Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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