We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
