I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
