I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
