Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
