I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
