I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize