this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
