You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize