I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
