Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
