he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
