A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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