Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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