just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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