there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
