he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's shark week go big or go home
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
