What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize