never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
