I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
