I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
