we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize