also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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