my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
