i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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