remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
