it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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