Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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