Define "chronic" masturbator.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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