When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Oops wrong number
Randomize
