hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
