1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
