Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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