I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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