just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
