Don't make out with my wife yet
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
