I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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