I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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