erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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