and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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