I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
