If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Are my feet made of real feet?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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