Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
