i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
