i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
