You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
