she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
