So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
