how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
