Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
