We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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