I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
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