the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
