My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
