cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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