Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
