When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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