Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
