Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
